What happens when the tears stop flowing?

For about 9 years now I have dealt with pain and fighting the unknown. What started out as a physically and mentally demanding illness has now turned into several chronic conditions. The fight is constant and unrelenting. It is more physically and mentally demanding as ever. I write as a way to express myself and what I feel. It is one of my few outlets to this hellish roller coaster I’m on. I’m constantly reading and trying to figure out what would help physically and mentally.

This poem is another to many I’ve written or blogs I’ve posted. If you have known me very long you may have read some of my posts about my battle with pancreatitis and other things that have happened during that battle. One I wrote over 6 years ago was called The CP Roller Coaster. Although my illness and situation has changed some, it still holds extremely truthful today.

I’m posting my new poem and the CP Roller Coaster blog again to show, while things change, they also stay the same.  From the song Circumstances by Rush.

All the same we take our chances
Laughed at by time
Tricked by circumstances
Plus ca change
Plus c’est la meme chose
The more that things change
The more they stay the same

What happens when the tears stop flowing?

What happens when the tears stop flowing?

When the heart has just had too much

When your broken body is out of touch

What happens when the tears stop flowing?

When your mind has become so numb

When your heart has shriveled up like a plum

What happens when the tears stop flowing?

When the soul can’t take any more hurt

When the tears stop dripping on my shirt

What happens when the tears stop flowing?

Hopes and dreams are like tears in the desert heat

They dry up fast, evaporation is complete

What happens when the tears stop flowing?

Years of pain and emotion all bottled up

To much of being called a fuck-up

What happens when the tears stop flowing?

When you’ve lost almost everything and few care

My tank is on empty, no more tears to spare

What happens when the tears stop flowing?

Will the pain and sorrow push me over the edge?

No more happiness, no more joy, standing on the ledge

What happens when the tears stop flowing?

Fighting a losing battle the past few years

Losing the game, there are no more cheers

What happens when the tears stop flowing?

After losing my health, my job, my wife

Convince me it was God‘s plan that fucked up my life!

What happens when the tears stop flowing?

When things in life don’t matter anymore

All your dreams are washed away from the shore

What happens when the tears stop flowing?

The price for taking the blame for too long

The tears are gone, time for the last song?

What happens when the tears stop flowing?

I have run out of tears, the well has run dry

I have nothing left to give, is it time to say bye bye?

The CP Roller Coaster by Dan Spracklen                             July 2014

I’m on a roller coaster that never stops. I love roller coasters and this normally wouldn’t be much of a problem. The anticipation during that first big climb and then the speed and excitement of a 80 degree drop or looping a 360. Next is a turn that pushes you into the seat with a few G’s holding your hands in the air all the time. The 4 minutes of thrill that make you get in line and do it again.

But we are at the amusement park CP, but the park is anything but amusing.

And the roller coaster I’m on is no fun at all.

What do I mean by this? Well I have CP, Chronic Pancreatitis. My roller coaster is pain. I showed up at the amusement park CP and got on the roller coaster about 2 years ago. I didn’t realize it would be a permanent ride that I would beg to get off of. But I’m in the seat and the safety restraints won’t loosen up. I’m stuck with no way out.

The pain is unrelenting and never stops. So where does the roller coaster come in? Just like a roller coaster it builds going up that first big hill. You think it is easing up just as the first loop hits followed by a quick twist. And just like a roller coaster you want to scream out, not in joy but in agony and pain.

My life has become a roller coaster of OK days and bad days. I really don’t have what I call “good” days. Good days are when you have no pain and can enjoy life to its fullest. I don’t have that anymore. Instead I hope for a few hours so that I can get my daily things done before that first big hill of pain hits. Some days are like the new roller coasters, smooth just gliding along. But most are like the old wooden roller coasters that jerk, bounce and rough you up. There is no holding your hands up here, you just hang on and hope it gets better.

My emotions are like riding a roller coaster in the dark. You never can see what is ahead and you just never know when the bottom is going to drop out. It will spin you around and flip you over.

My support is like a roller coaster, some days they are very sympathetic and other days they are not. They do not understand, they are not on the roller coaster.

My sleep is like a roller coaster getting a couple hours here and a couple hours there. It is hard to sleep on a roller coaster.

Going to the ER and Dr. is like a roller coaster. Do they really care and understand what you are saying to them? Will they treat you like a drug seeking alcoholic or like a human being?

So you see going to the CP amusement park and riding the CP roller coaster, is no fun at all.

Thanks to Philip Montelone for the illustration.


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